A Letter To Our Doctor

Dear Doctor M_________,

You've been our family physician since that time in 1979 when I schlepped my ex-husband to the emergency room at Park West Hospital with what appeared to be a bad case of stomach flu and you were the doctor assigned to his case. You sent him home with some anti-nausea medicine and instructed him to drink plenty of fluids. Brilliant! Three days later, I called your office to report that his condition had worsened and that nothing, not the meds, not the fluids, and certainly no food, was staying down. Your nurse told me to bring him in. When we got to your office, I had to go in and tell you that he was too sick to get out of the car. One look out the door and you knew that he needed to be in the hospital, which is exactly where we took him. Turned out he had a little more than stomach flu. It was PANCREATITIS!  But he was fine after a few days in the hospital, and even though you hadn't diagnosed him correctly when you first saw him in the emergency room, we forgave you and our relationship continued from there.

Several years later, while I was in your office getting treated for bronchitis, I asked you about a particular mole on my leg that I thought looked a little strange. I think my exact question was, "Do you think I should be concerned about this ugly mole, Dr. M?" And you said, "No, it looks fine to me." Not long after that I happened to be in the office of a leading Knoxville Dermaologist because PhillyTwo had suddenly developed a severe case of hives, the likes of which the Derm said he hadn't seen before. Never one to pass up an opportunity, I said, "Hey, while we're here, what do you think about this mole on my leg?" It was at that point that PhillyTwo's hives took a backseat to my MELANOMA! Now, Dr. M, I know you're not a Dermatologist, but I think an average person could have seen that there was something abnormal about that mole. I was just lucky that PhillyTwo came down with that god-awful case of hives when she did, because my Melanoma was still in a very early stage. And those hives? Well, they vanished as quickly as they appeared, which is why to this day I call PhillyTwo my guardian angel, and I call you a lot of other names.

But as they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, and you're making us all very strong, Dr. M.

As you know, Ron comes to see you several times a year for his upper respiratory illnesses. A few years ago, he had a bad reaction to one of the medications you gave him and it turned out he was allergic to CODEINE. Here's what I'm wondering, Dr. M: did you make a note of that, and if so, where? 'Cause every damn time he comes to see you, you write him a new prescription for a medication that's laced with (what else?) CODEINE! Every damn time! Luckily, Walgreen's has that info and they inevitably have to call your office back and have you change his prescription to one without the ingredient that might kill him.

PhillyTwo came to you a couple of years ago because she was suffering with a lot of anxiety. You immediately prescribed an anti-depressant, which only left her feeling tired and lethargic. Nice trade-off, Dr. M. Maybe if you had spent a little more time gathering pertinent information from the patient and not been so quick to throw her into that generic you-need-to-be-on-medication category where you  put most of the anxiety-ridden people who come to see you, you might have realized she was probably just having a life-altering allergic reaction to goddamn caffeine.

In conclusion, Dr. M, through it all we have remained your loyal patients. But I may be losing my patience. May I suggest a refresher course? Some continuing education classes? Hell, read a fucking medical book. We really hate to have to go looking for another doctor, and please don't take this the wrong way, but one more bonehead mistake on your part and this relationship is over.


Love,
Philly