The Victim and The Abuser

It Could Always Be Worse

Just back from a little vacation in Tunica with Ron, where we were able to combine two of our favorite pastimes: gambling and golf. Sure, it was sweltering on those golf courses, but that didn't stop us, just like bad luck didn't stop us from gambling. In other words, we didn't win any jackpots. I did finally cash in one poker tourney, but it was for fifth place and it didn't come close to making me solvent. Oh well. Maybe next time.

I did begin to feel lucky at one point while I was there - lucky just to be alive after hearing about those three celebrity deaths. Every time I walked back into the hotel room and turned on the t.v., someone else had died. What a week! Any one of those people would have gladly traded places with me, so there are worse things than losing money at the poker table. At least that's what I told myself, over and over. I'm alive! I'm broke as shit, but I'm alive!

Not Time To Worry Yet

The most ominous player at the 2009 U.S. Open at Bethpage Golf Course is the weather. They ("they" being the state of New York, since it's a public course located in a state park) spent the last three years getting the course ready for this spectacular event, only to get upstaged by the weather. On the first day, not long after the first golfers teed off, the skies opened up and drenched the players, the caddies, the spectators (including my friend, Kenny), the officials, the fairways, the greens...anything that wasn't protected by walls and a roof. The unlucky pros who drew the morning rounds and tried to feel their way through the course before the Big Guy blew his proverbial horn to stop play were at a distinct disadvantage from the pros who began their first rounds the next afternoon. By then, the course had dried out considerably and it was birdies and pars all around.
Tiger happens to be my favorite golfer and he also happened to get terribly unlucky this year because he was one of the ones who had to play in the soggy conditions. He may just barely make the cut. He won't cry about it though, at least not on camera, but I'll bet he's more than a little pissed. Especially since his main rival (or is that just in my mind?) Phil Mickelson got the better draw. Phil didn't have to contend with all the crap that Tig and those other boys did. How fair is that? I think they should have tried to even things up by making the afternoon groups play their first rounds wearing snow skis. Then we'd see how many of those sub-par rounds they'd be posting.
I'm still not counting Tiger out. He's just ten or twelve back with two rounds to go. It's not out of his realm of possibility.

No Clients Hurt

"It wasn't really a hold up. Sure, I was carrying a twelve-gauge shotgun when I walked into that bank, but I didn't actually shoot anybody. Come on!"

"Fuck it, as soon as I get back on my feet, I'll give some of the money back. Alright? Now you assholes get out of here and let me do my job. I'm the god damn Law Director!"

Fabulous Knox Vegas

A couple of weeks ago, I accepted an "invitation" to play in a Sunday afternoon poker tournament at Club LeConte. I use the word "invitation" loosely because anybody willing to pay the twenty-five dollar entry fee could participate. All ninety-nine players who showed up and paid to play had their eyes on the prize - a trip to Vegas and a paid entry into a bigger poker tournament. Actually, there were two such prizes, so the last two people left with chips would win. I didn't. I made it pretty far, but there were still thirteen people left in the tournament when I busted out. That's not the interesting part though. The fact that there's a "free", open to the public, well-run poker tournament at Club LeConte every Sunday afternoon - to me, that's the interesting part.
Apparently, the Club is closed on Sundays. Closed, that is, for regular members-only business. The doors open, however, for the poker players. And from what I observed, it has given a lot of people a chance to enjoy an adult beverage (or not) and take in the magnificent view, while playing the game they love to play. People, who for the most part, would never have gotten that opportunity, if not for these poker tournaments. Normally, there is no entry fee and no prize, except maybe a free meal. Sometimes, the entry fee is a donation - money or food or a toy, depending on which charity is the beneficiary that day. The bartenders seem to like it. The wait-staff seems to like it. The poker players love it. And it brings some people downtown who probably wouldn't normally be there. Definitely a win -win in my book.

Always Glad To Help

An eight o'clock (a.m.) call from PhillyTwo is a bit out of the ordinary. It's usually a little later...when she's on her way to work. This morning there was a frantic tone.

PhillyTwo: "I think I'm gonna throw up!"
Me: "What's wrong?"
(Me thinking: "God, please don't let her be pregnant!")
PhillyTwo: "I was brushing my teeth and I felt something on my foot. I looked down and it was one of those giant cockroaches! Oh my God, it was huge!"
(Me thinking: "Whew! Better a cockroach than a baby!")
Me: "Oh no! What did you do?"
PhillyTwo: "I killed it! Luckily there was a pair of flip flops in the bathroom because I was barefoot. It ran up the wall and I picked up a flip and started hitting it over and over until it was smushed. I wanna throw up. That sucker was huge! I feel like bugs are crawling all over me now."
Me : "Yeah, there's never just one. There's probably thousands of them in your apartment."
PhillyTwo: "Thanks. That's exactly what I wanted to hear. I feel so much better now."
Me: "Still need to throw up?"
PhillyTwo: "More so. Bye."

I Don't Like The Odds

Me: "I'd like to buy a round trip ticket to Las Vegas, please."
Travel agent: "Sure thing. Any particular airline?"
Me: "No, ma'am."
Travel agent: "Okay..."
Me: "Wait! Will I be flying over any water between here and Vegas?"
Travel agent: "Well, yes, I'd say you probably will. A river here or there."
Me: "Then make sure that you don't book me on an Airbus."
Travel agent: "I beg your pardon?"
Me: "You know. Airbus. Like the plane that landed in the Hudson? And now, less than four months later, the one that's gone missing over the Atlantic? I mean, I'm a gambler, but I really don't want to take my chances on one of those babies."
Travel agent: "I see your point."
Me: "Wait. Cancel my order. I'm afraid to fly now."
Travel agent: "Well, ma'am, I don't think you need to be afraid. The odds are in your favor...at least until you get to Vegas (little sarcastic laugh)."
Me: "Yeah, I see your point. And that's just another good reason for me to stay home." Click.